Sham.....I think YES

If you are like me and watch television for at least an hour a day (thanks Wife Swap) then you may have stumbled upon a new infomercial. It is 60 seconds of television that may rival some of the worst ever. The infomercial for the "ShamWOW!?" It is repulsive. If there's one thing I hate on TV more than anything right now, No, it's not "Shot at love with Tila Tequila re-runs," or "Grey's Anatomy" although they are both terrible, it is this. A Ryan Seacrest/Johnny Knoxville-love child with a headset demonstrates the AMAZING power of the ShamWOW to pick up any liquids....Up to 21 times its weight!! Where is my man Billy at? The ShamWOW powers that be must have not of had enough money to purchase the advertising GREATNESS of ol' Billy so they are stuck with, "Vince" ={ If you haven't seen the commercial, click HERE.

I’m not exactly sure what is so annoying about the commercial.

Is it the overall cheapness of the production? It’s pretty much just a guy standing in front of a screen and behind a tabletop.

Is it the way "Vince" reminds you of the carnies at the county fair trying to amaze you with their product demos while you gnash on a corn dog en route to the tilt a-whirl?

Is it because Vince is a scrawny twerp with a faux-hawk?

Is it that pretentious headset microphone?

Is it when Vince says, “Ya following me, camera guy?”

Is it Vince’s (New Jersey? Long Island?) accent?

Today I'm not going to discuss whether or not it works--just watch the part where he spills soda pop on the carpet and then magically cleans it up...yeah right--but why they chose the name ShamWOW. Ok...even though, a shammy is a common cloth to pick up liquid, dry cars, etc. So they took part of the word Sham and put it with WOW. Am I the only one to notice what's wrong with that? This product is---let me slow it down here---a SHAM.....WOW!!

Why do some marketing geniuses give things certain names? I suppose the slang from that time period isn't something taboo or offensive...but then a few years later a word takes on a different meaning. I full-heartedly believe the Wii will fall under this category. You can only say, "Let's go play with my Wii" so many times....

There's others--Vagisil, Anusol...umm...I wonder if they have to put warnings that these things shouldn't be eaten. It might take a genius to know which body part they are applied to.
Have you heard of "Smack my ass and call me Sally, green jalapeno sauce?" Go HERE and you'll see =P

Then you have the whole "produced in another country" genre of foods. These are ones where the name doesn't translate over very well...or some rep for the company didn't want to pay an American contractor 10 bucks to say--"The name of that product will never work in America."
Here's a link to some funny product names. Some of the names may be offensive.
Anywho...I'm back to eating some "Shito mix." Sounds delish...

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

Ok, I swear this is the last superhero post for a while. I promise I'll move on to something else equally juvenile after today. For today, though, I have a special treat for you: I actually did my own Photoshop picture to go along with my post about the Hulk.

The Incredible Hulk is different from most superheroes in that Bruce Banner can't control when he turns into the Hulk. I guess Diana Prince couldn't fully control her transformation into Wonder-Woman either, but she was safe as long as she didn't turn around TOO fast. I think the idea was originally to make the Hulk sort of an anti-hero Jekyll-and-Hyde type guy. Remember how sad he looked, walking along the side of the road at the end of each show, hoping that the next leap would be the leap home? Wait, I think I'm confused. Any way's, it was really sad. I looked up the name of the song and it is called "The Lonely Man." It is only a piano playing but the song fits me. I can see ME walking down the street hitchhiking to the next town and it playing. I need to figure out a way just to have it playing all the time, I would just turn the corner and BAM, you see me and then hear the music =P

The problem with the Hulk concept is that despite his "curse", the Hulk's super-strength always came in pretty handy for old Doc Banner. You'd think that after the seventeenth time the Hulk saved his ass, he'd rethink his quest for a "cure" for his condition. I wish I could turn into the Hulk when somebody pissed me off. Like I'd be at the gym (my only social outing) just working out when somebody would say, "Buddy, you have been on that machine long enough." And then I'd say, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize there was a time limit on these, but you go right ahead, LORD knows I don't need it, I will just skip on over here to the next machine." They'd say, "Well get tahh skipping." And then I'd turn into the Hulk and rip out their spine through their abdomen. Or maybe just toss them through a paper-mache wall. Still, they'd get the idea.

Of course then everybody would know I was the Hulk, and they'd always be trying to get me to turn into the Hulk at parties and stuff. They'd be like, "Hey dude, did you hear that France has outlawed John Mayer music!?" And I'd be like, "Oh no they didn't." And they'd be like, "Dude, it's totally true. That's just how evil they are." And I'd be like, "Pansy French bastards!" And they'd be like, "Yeah, doesn't that just make you SOOOOO angry?" And then I'd be like, "Hey, you're just trying to get me to turn into the Hulk again, like that time you told me Michael Moore was suing McDonald's for making him weigh 400 pounds." And they'd be like, "Oh come on, just do it. We brought a change of clothes for you."

Because if you were the Hulk, you'd go through A LOT of clothes. I bet that's why he was so desperate for a cure. Remember, this was in the days before eBay, so he couldn't just buy 40 polyester-blend button-downs at a time. That's probably why he always had to hitchhike too. You can't afford a car when you're shelling out $500 a week for new clothes. If I were him, I'd have just had a special Hulk-suit made out of whatever material was in his waistband. Talk about super-powers, he could have patented that waistband material. I mean, I have to unbutton my pants when I have too many sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving, but his waistband could easily stretch to fit a man three times his size. And yet, those boot-cut slacks would split at the ankles. Curious.

I'd probably turn into the Hulk at really inappropriate times. Like the other day, I dropped my pulled pork sandwich on the floor. Man, I was so mad that I'd have turned into the Hulk for sure if I had it in me. Next thing I'd know, I'd wake up dazed and shirtless in my neighbor's yard, craving a pulled pork sandwich but finding only rubble where my house had been. And that would make me so mad I'd turn into the Hulk again and smash the rubble into smaller rubble. This cycle would continue until I was too hungry and worn out to turn into the Hulk any more, and I'd have to drag my half-naked ass to McDonalds for a double cheeseburger. And the guys at McDonalds would recognize me and be like, "Oh, we can't sell those anymore because of the Michael Moore lawsuit." And I'd be like, "Guys, I'm not in the mood. Just give me the friggin' burger."

Thundarr the Barbarian

5:36PM - I forced myself to get out to the gym today and thankful I did. I still feel a cold "creeping on ah come up" (old school, that's how I roll =P) but I persevered on.

As you all know, I'm a "closet geek" with a vast depth and breadth of knowledge at my disposal of useless information. One might expect such an individual to pursue greatness within the halls of academia, but I have elected instead to rub elbows with the Common Man so that I can better understand the Human Condition, as I believe this to be better preparation for writing my Great American Novel.

For the most part, I tolerate the vulgarities of the hoi polloi, but occasionally I am pained to realize that not all of my acquaintances have had the cultural advantages I have enjoyed. For instance, while at the gym today I made a reference to what I assumed was a shared element of our cultural heritage, only to discover that my fellow gym mates were unfamiliar with one of the basic mythological frameworks that underlies the Western civilization.

"How is it possible," I gasped incredulously, "that you've never heard of Thundarr the Barbarian?"

It would have been understandable if my friends were in their teens or fifties. But they are both in their early thirties, which means that they would have been around the age 7-8 when the animated adventures of Thundarr and his compatriots Ariel the sorceress and Ookla the Mok premiered on television in the 1980's. It is virtually inconceivable that an eight-year-old American boy would not have known about Thundarr the Barbarian in the early 80s.

Those of you who were born after 1980 or so are going to need this explained to you. You see, in the early 1980s, there was no cable or satellite TV. There were no DVDs or videotapes. There were no iPods or video game systems. All we had to entertain ourselves on Saturday morning were Lite-Brites, Star Wars action figures and 4 television channels, at least 3 of which were, at any given time, playing unwatchable crap. The most unwatchable of the unwatchable crap came in the form of semi-animated superheroes, space monsters and talking animals from the Hanna-Barbera school of programming. Naturally, that's what all of us eight year-olds were watching.

Thundarr the Barbarian was, to an eight-year-old boy stuck in between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back, pretty much the best imaginable show. In the words of the show's intro:

The year: 1994. From out of space comes a runaway planet, hurtling between the Earth and the Moon, unleashing cosmic destruction! Man's civilization is cast in ruin!
Two thousand years later, Earth is reborn...
A strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. But one man bursts his bonds to fight for justice! With his companions Ookla the Mok and Princess Ariel, he pits his strength, his courage, and his fabulous Sunsword against the forces of evil.
He is Thundarr, the Barbarian!

This is awesome because, first of all, 1994! Holy crap, that's already super far in the future. And then, out of nowhere, a runaway planet? That shit could really happen. Then we skip forward two thousand years. That's enough time for pretty much anything to happen. We're talking werewolves, mutants, sorcery... basically all the most awesome stuff ever.

We didn't mind that Thundarr's "sunsword" looked an awful lot like a light saber, or that the massive, fur-covered Ookla bore a striking resemblance to another sub-lingual sci-fi sidekick with a heart of gold. To the contrary, the more something was like Star Wars, the better.

Granted, the dialog (Thundarr was known for such puzzling exclamations as "Lords of Light!" and "Demon Dogs!") made George Lucas seem like a master of interpersonal subtleties, and the animation quality ranked somewhere between "Speed Racer" and a biology filmstrip, but to us it was just awesome.

So thoroughly was I inculcated in the awesomeness of Thundarr the Barbarian that even now, a quarter century after Ookla the Mok took his last ride on his mighty Equort steed into the sunset, I find myself making frequent references to the post-apocalyptic trio's adventures -- which is how the whole business with my gym buddies started. "It's just like in Thundarr the Barbarian," I'll say, expecting heads to nod in complicit understanding, but receiving only blank looks of incomprehension.

"It's like what?"

"Thundarr the Barbarian. You know, after the runaway planet wipes out human civilization and the moon gets cut in half."

"Who the hell is Thunder the Barbarian?"

"Not 'thunder.' Thundarr, with two r's. You know, he used to run around with Ariel the sorceress and his friend Ookla the Mok, who could only speak in anguished growls."

But no amount of prodding would rekindle my friend's memories. It was as if they had never experienced the apocalyptic runaway planet of 1994 and its ruinous wake. Lacking this shared touchstone, I feel unmoored, like a missionary in a far off land, a stranger in a strange land.

"Who the hell are you people?" I gasped, stumbling backwards in the gym. It was impossible -- inconceivable! -- that these people did not know of the indomitable Thundarr and friends. It was as if they had never heard of the Rubix Cube, backmasking or New Coke. Clearly, I had been surrounded by impostors, people who pretended to share my cultural heritage in order to manipulate me for their own diabolical ends. Perhaps they were renegade replicants fabricated by the Tyrell Corporation or alien reptiles wearing latex masks, hoping to steal my water and feast on my fattened corpse.

"Get back!" I screamed. Whatever they were up to, I wasn't going to let them get away with it.

My friends regarded me with concern. "Brian, what are you..."

"Inyuk-chuk!" I yelled, looking to the sky, my fists clenched at my sides.

"Brian, what are you doing?"

"It's the Apache Indian word for 'big man,'" I said. "Hello? Didn't you guys ever watch The Superfriends? In a minute I'm gonna be like one hundred feet tall."

"Why don't you sit down and finish your leg squats," one of them said.

"Whatever," I sighed, and sat to finish my squats in silence. Sometimes people are just baffling.

Hansel and Gretel

**Draft**

“And that’s why," I complain, “I absolutely hate the name Hansel.”

“So,” replies Gretel, cutting back a thicket with her machete. Despite the disproportionate size of the knife in her small hands she was really becoming quite adept; within moments they were now moving through the forest at a respectable pace. “You’re saying that the reason you can't join the Ultimate Fighting Championship is because our parents named you Hansel?"

“It might as well have been Petunia," I say. Wiping the sweat out of my eyes, I wince into my fingers. “When the ring announcer says ‘In this corner, Brock Lesnar!’ you immediately think of some huge hulking guy that eats battleship hulls and craps cannonballs. But when he says ‘In this corner, Hansel” you think of somebody prancin‘ around barefoot on flower petals.”

"So what are we supposed to call you then?" asks Gretel, slightly ahead.

"I don't know," I say. "How about The Hulking Super Iron Man Wolverine?"

"Seems kinda long," says Gretel. "And how 'hulking' are you really? I'm four foot six and I'm taller than you."

"Nuh-uh!"

"And then you fight Brock Lesnar?"

"Brock Lesnar cannot be defeated," I explain. "That's why he will be my tag-team partner."

Suddenly Gretel motions for Hansel to stop. Crawling forward on her belly, she spies something of interest in the distance.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Shh!” she whispers sharply.

"You ain't the boss of me."

“There’s a weird looking house up here," says Gretel. "And I thought I heard something. Something like chewing.”

“Oh that’s just me,” I say. “I got hungry, so I’ve been nibbling on this here sack of croutons you gave me.”

“You idiot,” snaps Gretel, knocking them from his hand. “You were supposed to be dropping them behind us so we could find our way back to the campsite!”

“Well remember that chick in the red dress skipping with the basket?”

“Yes,” says Gretel distractedly, looking through her binoculars. “You said you wanted to ‘open her basket and check out her goodies.’”

“-And then she slapped me! I thought she might have bacon bits or ranch or cheddar or something. I've already eaten the croutons. If I don't find my way up to a full-on salad I'm going to feel like a total fat ass."

Gretel sighs.

“She said you don’t want to leave croutons," I continue. "The animals will eat ‘em. You want to carry a GPS, or at the very least a map and a compass. And that we probably wouldn't want to go back there anyways because of all the recent wolf attacks,” I explain. "Three little pigs and a jackhammer are reported missing."

"Hansel, our parents are back there!"

Yes, I'm thinking. 'Hansel' eh?

"It's the Circle of Life," I shrug. "What're they, like, fifty or something? They had a good run."

“Well if you're hungry, you may be in luck,” says Gretel zooming in with the binoculars. “It's some kind of restaurant."

“Cool,” I say.

"Weird. Why would somebody build a restaurant way out here?" Gretel scans the surrounding area. "Huh. I don't see a payphone, but there’s a sign that says 'FREE PORKCHOPS' ... and there's some kid running up to the place. He almost looks ....like ...!!!

"Hansel, you get back here!" she screamed.

1 hour and 27 minutes later

I’ll bet I was only six or seven pork chops in when ol’ spoilsport Gretel showed up in an obviously too-large waitress outfit.

“Psst,” she says, looking in another direction.

“You ain’t foolin anybody Gretel,” I say, dipping my chicken wing in the chocolate ice cream. "And can you please move? I can't see the UK game with you standing there."

“Don’t you understand?” growls Gretel. “She’s trying to fatten you up so she can eat you! If we don't find a telephone-!”

"That sweet old woman wouldn't hurt a fly," I scoff. "Besides she's blind as a bat. And have you even tried these pork chops?”

“Those might not even be pork.”

“Well that would explain why I keep finding these Matchbox cars in them,” I figure. "I thought they were prizes."

“Has she been checking how much you weigh?”

“Well she keeps asking me to stick out a digit so she can feel it,” I offer. “And then she complains how scrawny I am.”

"I think she meant a finger."

"Well let's just say I won't be pressing any charges either," I reply. "Now come on. I know you're hungry too. You've gotta try these potato skins. She put whipped cream on them!"

Gretel slides into the booth. “You really think this is just a kindly old woman?”

“I've never been so certain of anything in my life," I say confidently. Pulling up a particularly plump and juicy tender chop with my fork for her viewing I add, "Come on. If you don't learn to lighten up, you're going to end up with an eating disorder or something."

"Ooh," says Gretel, licking her lips while eyeing the menu. "That sun-dried basil bruschetta looks deliiiishhhh!

"Hmm," I grunt. "It's all veggies and crap. Ask her to put some M&Ms and butter in it or something."


See what sleep deprivation can do to you. It gets me thinking all kinds of things...

9:18AM - I have slept maybe 3 hours, this is starting to affect my train of thought. I am starting to feel the effects of a cold I believe. The scratchy throat, cough every now and then, and all around just "PooPie". So I don't know about going to the gym today, I may just have to get the workout here at the house. I can do everything with the Bowflex as I do at the gym but the bike and social interaction =P This morning has already started of good, I am alive and no worse off than yesterday so I have a chance to better myself today. One hour at a time...

The Fat Man Pays Up

December.

And we all know what that means, don't we?

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, it's finally that special time of the year when all hearts and minds prepare for the biggest event of the year: The Santa Claus Blanket Party. (click HERE for the best Blanket Party)

I can sense some of you staring at this blog in utter disbelief. Oh, get over it. You're all thinking it ... at least I've got the stones to put it in print.

That fat ass has violated the sanctity of our homes for the last time. When he sneaks down the chimney and goes to greedily wolf down my cookies and milk this year, whammo, he's gettin' a snow shovel full of holiday cheer right upside the head.

Too chicken to help me with this? Fine, cowards! I'll keep all those Xbox 360s for myself then! It's not like I said I was going to make Santa watch as I play E.T. ( this was in the Related Videos on YouTube and I thought it was funny) on my Atari 2600 or anything; I just wanna rough the guy up a little. Maybe take the reindeer for a spin down to the Burger King drive-thru, that sort of thing. And can you imagine how much those little elves will pay in ransom for the safe return of their poorly dressed, fried-chicken scarfing king?

God, just the thought of that food-stained, grease-dripping beard gives me chills.

"But Brian," I hear the mincing liberal pansies cry, "Santa brings joy all over the world to often less-fortunate children."

Yeah? Well screw them. I know all about being less-fortunate, thank you: one July when I was a kid, I stole our family's entire month of food stamps and had four pallets of Velveeta Pepper Jack Cheese brought to the house. There wasn't any place to keep it unnoticed except the neighbor's pool.

I would've pulled the whole thing off, but my cousin dove in and tried opening her eyes in the thick, spicy, bubbling murk. Screaming, she then attempted to dry her burning eyes with fistfuls of my tortilla chips and somehow punctured one of her water wings in the process; this caused a potentially fatal downward clockwise spiral smack into the sour cream.

If that sour cream weren’t there, she most certainly would have drowned.

I'm a hero if you think about it.

We don't need any more of Santa's "selective generosity" crap: this year, the fat man pays up.

In spades.

11:14AM - I may have slept 4 hours and feeling pretty refreshed. I want to get this out there to the readers. Shandra comes through once again with all the, "John Mayer need to know what he is up to information." I swear he keeps getting better. Click HERE to have a listen. Thank you!

Well we did not get any snow like it was predicted but there is a strange warmth in the air, the warmth that always comes before a snow. I find myself just setting here somewhat blank right now. Nothing really to say other than I am ready to get back to the gym. It has been nice spending time with the family but I guess I miss the family of machines at the gym now. I am already thinking about New Year's resolutions. We never stick to them but I have a few in mind that I would at least like to try for a few weeks. Boy I am rambling on. Well time to start the day, I hope everyone had a good one!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

Why So Serious IV... or is it V??

2:18PM - Yeah, I have an advanced copy of it, big whoop, wanna fight about? (A little Family Guy humor there). I set here and slurp back a "Ne-He" peach, ahh soo GOOD. Evin stayed all night last night and I have had a blast with him today. He learns so much every time I see him. It looks like today will consist of one more round of the "Dark Knight" and then who knows what. I am anxious to see the Joker in 1080P!

-Gaming news-
Today was the first death to an Xbox I know of due to the new dashboard update. Chris called me today and said his got the red rings of death (funny stuff there with Adam and Kevin) and the only thing changed was the dashboard update. Gotta love Microsoft for that. I have had a system do this before and know of several people that has had this problem also. I somehow escaped it SO FAR but it is just a ticking time bomb I am afraid. Enough of being a geek, onto other things...

I am looking forward to Christmas and it is suppose to snow here tonight, so count me out of getting on the roads, way I figure it I still have 6 lives left so no need to push my luck. 135 more posts left if I get one every day, I will try my best and go out with a bang.... the best is yet to come. Just you wait and see.

Here are pictures I managed to get today... loving the "Tiger" footed pj's

Those Dumb People Were So Dumb, They Had No Dumb Idea. ROFLMAO. LOL they were so dumb! WTF?

If you told us ten years ago we would be in the middle of something even bigger than the "Industrial Revolution," we would have laughed.

-But never before has any animal been able to communicate to the other side of the planet instantaneously.

The Internet has given us a virtual telepathy unrivalled in the animal kingdom, and it will irrevocably alter the species entirely.

Indeed, our children's children will be downloading historical data on this momentous occasion directly to their cerebral cortexes, and have to create longwinded 87 terabyte 3-dimensional holographic essays on how "Those Dumb People Were So Dumb, They Had No Dumb Idea. ROFLMAO. LOL they were so dumb! WTF?"

To commemorate this fantastic Age of Achievement, I plan a blog post entitled "Did I just Eat That?" as soon as the Polaroid’s come back.

2:16PM - By the time this posts I will have hopefully seen Evin. The holiday is over now; I hope everyone had a great one! Now time to get ready for the BIGGEST one of them all, what we wait for all year long.....get ready......wait for it.......wait for it............................CHRISTMAS! I still cannot think of anything ol' Saint Nick could bring me besides a camera. I get more pleasure just seeing someone get something they want anymore, I will really enjoy seeing Evin open his presents because he is old enough now to know what is happening. It is also the time of year that there is black ice on the roads. So everyone be EXTREMELY careful, if you feel the slightest chance at all that something may happen call into work or just don't go wherever it is you are needing to go. It is not worth the chance, I am living proof. I tried to make it back to my now ex-wife almost 2 years ago: the night before Valentine’s Day and then ended up dying 3 times on Valentine’s Day. So be careful, wear your seat belts and God bless you all.

I was looking for a fun song to go with tonight’s post and was going to go with "Out there" from the Wall-E soundtrack (Hello Dolly show tune song) but then came across what is playing now, It is called "Out there" by Sister Hazel and the lyrics are just right down my alley. The line,

"But I'm getting older now
And I'm, thinking of my end
And to leave without love
Or without a friend
Well it’s getting late
But maybe If I tried
I could find one
Before I die"

screams at me...

Thanksgiving 2008

Well as promised, the triumphant return, I am back. The last few days have been, how can I say it, well it's been "VERY GOOD" sums it up nicely. It's nice to have signal on my phone and get to use it for a chance. Aside from Halloween, Thanksgiving is simply one of the most darkly disturbing holidays ever to me.

You know, I am thankful. I'm having one of my best years ever in some ways. I've got great friends, family, my health, and a big-a$$ed television. Game over. I win, right? So why stick me in that viper pit of poultry pounding relatives?

So much has happened to me since last Thanksgiving. I remember being asked then, "What was I thankful for" and I was still on a cane and still very much a newlywed and I tried to think of a witty, funny response and all I had was, "I am thankful I can eat normal food and not from a bag" (hence the G-Tube). At least that is how I remember it, this brought laughter to the table and it made me feel nice that I could still make people smile.

I sneak peeks around the corner, and find my mind turning the same thought over and over: How the hell did I come out normal (that is questionable) around these weirdoes?

Then I force my attention back to the football game on my big-a$$ed television.

God I love that television.

Inevitably, my cozy, slothful splendor will be torn asunder: somebody forgot something at the store, and I've gotta face the cold to address an emergency crescent roll deficit or something. I mean why do I have to suffer for someone else's poor planning? History is absolutely littered with the arrow-riddled bodies of pilgrims toting last-minute yams and 12 packs of Diet Cherry Coke ... even after fifty of sixty years, have we learned nothing?

Mom should be fired immediately. Hey, I'm sorry ... I understand that you were up all night poking and prodding a dead bird in the oven. But this is like the 20th Century already: we have frozen turkey dinners now. Six minutes in the microwave. Plastic sporks. Boom! On to the football.

It's called the Pilgrim's Progress, and Americas never-ending quest for big-a$$ed televisions and football is well documented in all the history books. Embrace it. Learn from it. And never forget, lest ye be slain horribly by Indians too.

.. And please note that I'm not saying be mean to mom; I mean she is mom after all. Give her a decent reference. Set her up with one of them "Golden Parachutes" and a nice severance package to make sure she can afford COBRA for the duration while she seeks some other deserving nomadic tribe of needful pilgrims without microwave ovens. It wouldn't be so bad if done properly; I mean all she needs to do is hang out on the beach and wait for a boat, right?

Mom could use a tan.

Inescapably my mind turn’s to our troops overseas. Each and every one of them is a million miles from home, friends, and family, blowin the crap out of stuff. This is the one day of the year I'm completely overtaken by jealousy of them.

And it's here that the sarcasm screeches to an abrupt and uncharacteristic halt ...

Even as I sit and write, there are people being shot at to defend me. Kids mostly. Undeniably, a quantifiable statistic of them will never see the land they are fighting for again ... and some will be so brutalized, they might wish they were part of that statistic.

I'm scared for them, and I don't understand our enemy at all; can't we all just get big televisions, and watch UK whip up on the Loserville Cardinals on the DVR one more time?

Just for today?

Happy Thanksgiving to our troops, you are in our thoughts and prayers and to you, the loyal readers. Without you, I would have an even duller life than it is now. You give me a sense of purpose. Thank you.

I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness. For loneliness like this.

Thank me later about Gas prices, How I may of helped...

"Gas prices slip below $2 nationally"

“$1.95 a gallon?”

“Yes,” says the cashier.

“Are you out of your freakin’ mind?”

“No seriously,” says the cashier.

“Well I’m not paying $1.95 a gallon.”

“Excuse me?”

“This is extortion!” I say.

“Sir I don’t set the price-“

“Oh I think you do Sancho –or whatever your name is. I’ll pay $1.95 a gallon, and then next week, what, $2 a gallon? Well I ain’t gonna stand for it.”

“Sir, I believe gas prices are set by OPEC and-“

“Who is that? Your dad? Well get this ‘Opek’ guy on the phone. Tell him I’ll give him a buck fifty. Tops.”

“Sir,” says the cashier. “It’s $1.95.”

"No it isn't

"Yes it is."

"Sancho,” I say disappointedly, “When you come to a new country you're supposed to rapidly adopt the culture. This 'ooh, I'm Sancho Opek and I'm gonna overcharge all those American jerks' attitude won't get you anywhere."

"Sir, my name is Travis Young. I was born in Wise, Virginia."

“Well this is America, ‘Travis.’ And we don’t want your lousy overpriced gas. In fact, I demand you take it out of my vehicle immediately.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t want these Funyuns either.”

“Sir,” says Travis, suddenly nervous. Eyes darting back and forth nervously, he leans in and whispers, “Please take the gas. $1.50 will be fine.”

I pause, eyeing him suspiciously.

“I have far too much gas, and fifteen minutes from now another tanker truck full of gas will be arriving.”

“I don’t know Travis,” I say shrewdly. “I'm actually a big fan of alternative energy. I thought that gas smelled a little funny too. In any case, I think I would be much happier with some BP Gas.”

“I’ll throw in the Funyuns for free.”

“Nah,” I say.

“All the gas. The whole tank,” he pleads. “$10.”

“Plus the Funyuns?”

“Plus the Funyuns.”

“And this keychain flashlight?”

“Yes.”

“Can I use your bathroom?”

“Not a chance.”

"Shoot the bed!"

10:18AM - I will not be posting in the next few days I fear. My uncle is coming in for the holiday and I will be with him for the next few days at my grandmas and not near a computer. Sure, I will have my iPhone and signal but I don't like posting from it, the posts always end up looking weird. I may get you an update when I run back over here for Thanksgiving dinner with my family but just heeding you a warning oh faithful reader.

I will go to the gym today and then wait for him to stop by my house. Today looks to be another Cooooooold day. It was 15 degrees the last few nights so needless to say ol' Brian slept with socks on, I never sleep/lay down with socks on but you can bet your grandma's insurance money the fan was on. I at least get rest and relaxation hearing it just in case I were to slip off into this thing I hear people talk about called, "Sleep." So, "Auf Wiedersehen " my friends (I don't remember much German from high school but when I get a chance I like to use it :P) may you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a safe holiday if you have to travel =) to get to your family. Later Gators.

Snug as a Bug in a Rug

Who here has stayed up ridiculously late at night only to find yourself watching crazy infomercials? Raise your hand if you have. Come on now, you aren’t tricking anyone. Raise them up, because I am. I am extremely guilty of this sinful pleasure. There is something about their tacky production values and hollow promises that just lures you in. They are sort of the late night solution to daytime soap operas.

Needless to say I found myself last night peering upon possibly the greatest infomercial ever created. I caught myself watching it as if Billy Mays was pitching it to me. It offered something so out of this world that I found the urge to pick up my phone and purchase it immediately.

This Godly item that was up for purchase was more than your typical piece of S#!+ that just clutters up your home. This item in all its majesty is also a fashion statement.

What I’m talking about ladies and gentleman is The Snuggie!

Get this. It is a luxurious fleece blanket with arm sockets! Yes, sleeves! Meaning you can wear this bad boy around looking like you are Gandalf the Grey ready to save Bilbo Baggins. In fact if you don’t enjoy Lord of the Rings as I do you can pretend to be Merlin. If neither of those characters works for you maybe you could just consider being some weirdo from the middle ages.

You know what; forget all the weird medieval crap I was talking about. If you want to join or even start a cult, you should just invest in a bunch of these Snuggies. After watching the video again, I realized they are sublimely promoting and telling you to either join or start a cult. I mean just look at the actors in video.

Whole groups of people at a sporting event all “sporting” the same attire that is not team related: Obvious sign of a cult!

Everyone at an overnight camp outing around a big fire wearing the same thing: Obvious sign of a cult!

If these don’t become the newest and latest fashion trends I’m going to be super pissed.

Anyway, I have two favorite portions of this cultish video. The first is that they try selling you on their cult attire by offering you a stupid folding flashlight. A BOOK LIGHT?! WELL I DEFINITELY NEED TO BUY THAT BLANKET NOW! I mean it is the perfect fashion accessory to your wizard’s robe.

Secondly, I find it particularly comical how they brag about its warming abilities and how they demonstrate oh you can do all these awesome tasks whilst staying warm. That in itself is not the funny part. The outrageously funny moment is when a mother is playing with her infant child staying nice and toasty and they have the little child out unprotected by the Snuggie as if it were some bastard child.

So as you can obviously conclude as I did, the Snuggie as a fashion trend promotes an interesting agenda. That agenda being of a new cult fashion statement with the need to accessorize with folding book lights and the hatred and mistreatment of infant children. I mean why would the baby need to stay warm? So who’s down to buy one with me? I already have my hand on the phone ready to make the call; I just need to know how many I need to order!?

10:16PM - I feverishly looked for the song playing now (O, Fortuna), I have been looking for the name of it for months now but nothing clicked. I want to thank Jeana for coming through for me, real clutch player she is. I wanted it to be playing in the last post to set the mood but Musica Ricercarta does the trick also. I seen the infomercial last night come on TV as I finished posting my Twilight Review. I laughed aloud during it and thought, "Yahh know what".....so this post was born. I am the Jerry Seinfeld of blogs, posts about nothing. =P

Twilight Review

**Spoiler Alert**
!!Do not read any further if you have not seen the movie!!

I had high expectations for this movie but was let down just a little because of comparing it to "True Blood." I did not listen to the audio books (just the first chapter) because I wanted to go into it not comparing it to the book. There are things I liked about it and didn’t like. I liked how Edward was a romantic, even gives me a run for my money but he was nothing compared to Noah in the "Notebook." ;-) I liked the way he loved Bella through EVERYTHING, no matter what happened he would ALWAYS come back to her.

What I didn't like was the new scenario of vampires coming out in the day and if the sun hit them, it made them sparkle as if their skin was encrusted with diamonds!? I mean, WTF? I didn't like the fact that they did not sleep and lived in a VERY NICE house in the hills AND were vegetarians. True Blood may be, NO is the reason I was judgmental on this. Bill sleeps in the ground or a coffin, CANNOT come out in the sun and is also a vegetarian (only feeds off animals) but still feeds on his woman's blood every now and then. If the story would have been darker, I think it would have been more appealing to me. Therefore, without further adu, I give it a...............B+. I may see different after I listen to the audio book but I was told the book is nothing like the movie so I will just have to wait and see. Now I may be burned at the stake for giving it a B+ but you have to see where I am coming from. True Blood isn’t the best show out there but it is closer to the "Vampire" image I have grown up with and come to love. I like the different views of vampires and hell, it is 6:18AM and the sun will rise in an hour so I don't have to worry about that anymore. Thanks "Edward Cullen"=P

I was asked tonight, "Have you turned into a "Vampire" yet?" and I have to say in some ways I have. I don't sleep anymore (obviously), my words seem to "dazzle" people these days (You're words have pierced the very crevices of my heart in a way that no other words ever have & I will make it through the day because of your words now.) and I am destined to walk this world alone it seems. Ahh the life of a modern day vampire.........sucks.

WTF?

WTF is all I can say about this...It looks like a cruel joke at the Jenny Lea Academy of Cosmetology and "IT" may be an oompa loompa? Better stay at least 10 feet back. I hear they bite and may have rabies.

2:48AM - I am getting a head start on this one because I have a full day ahead of me, the Gym and then a date to see "Twilight" at 9:30. This should be posted by the time I get back and I apologize for it being so short. It is pouring the snow outside and it looks like I will wake to a winter wonderland in a few hours!

10:13AM - Snow. It was just enough to cover the ground here. I would say 3 to 4 inches but it is COOOOooooooold. I love it though. My favorite time of the year.

5:38PM - I just got home from the gym and now getting ready to take a shower. It looks like dinner and a movie tonight. I may take another break from posting this weekend because I am getting thin on my drafts. Yahh never know though, I may feel froggy and post one, only one-way to find out for sure. CHECK BACK IN. I want to bring a smile or chuckle to everyone that takes the time to read these and it looks like I am doing my job =)

Act Naturally

**Draft**

Today, taking a page out of Lana Turner’s playbook, I hung out at a drug store most the day.

“Hey,” says the soda jerk, “Aren’t you-?”

Ah thank God. A BrianWrightR6 fan.

“-going to order something?” he continues. “You can’t sit there unless you order something.”

So six 32-ounce Mountain Dews later, still not famous.

Now I have to pee like a Russian racehorse, and my iPhone battery is nearly dead because I’ve written six Broadway musicals and a rather lengthy sequel to Les Misérables.

I was just wrapping up the part where Cosette finds out Marius Pontmercy is actually a zombie space alien and crushes him against his own flying saucer in her Escalade when the drug store closed and I was kicked out.



6:01PM - I still have a few drafts left but I am coming to you ol' Loyal reader and explaining why I am so hard on myself these days. I have to be, friends and family is all that surrounds me so I am my own worst enemy. I know I have grown into a different man, just in the last few months but I am always striving to be better. Always going through a metamorphosis. The thing with striving to be better is that it takes time and at 30, it feels like time is in short supply. Not that 30 is old, just that the things I want to do will take years to accomplish.

New paragraph. Bobby and I have decided to turn our idea of the LSX University into a forum-based site. It is still in a very early stages but everything has to start somewhere. Check it out often for everything you need to know about LSX motors and cars, we are here for YOU. LoL, I need to get into marketing.

I have just received word that I will be attending the 9:30 showing of "Twilight" tonight at the Norton Cinema. Thank you very much, you may wallow in jealousy now... =P

I was thinking last night while lying in the bed that I may just write a book/memoirs of the last 2 years of my life. It may be put on the back burner but I even have a title picked out for it, “One hour at a time” A story about a miracle. If I ever complete such a thing in 144 days, I will post it here for you to read first before taking it to Oprah for her MUST read book of the month =P

10:49PM

It is about time to put the car cover on her, just look at her. You know she's cold. Poor baby, I'm so sorry. I hope this post has brought a smile to your face, if so, I have done my job for today.

The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs

Once upon a time, a man and his wife got a fantastical golden goose, and it laid a golden egg every day.

“This is terrible,” said the man. “We can’t eat gold!”

“Kill it,” said the woman. “It might breed with the other animals. The entire village could starve to death.”

He then brings his ax high above his head.

“We will be remembered forever as heroes!” cried the man.



8:51PM - I have been ashamed today; ashamed that I let myself post what I did yesterday. I could delete it but it is too late now, everyone that reads the site has seen it. Just in a moment of distress, I said I did not want to be a "crutch" anymore. I thought about it all-day and in therapy when I saw a boy struggling to walk and all that held him up, yeap, you guessed it, a "crutch" is when it hit. I should be so lucky to be a crutch to someone. I take it back, if I can, and would be privileged… NO Honored to be a crutch for whom ever needs me. I was selfish to think of myself I suppose. God left me here for maybe just that reason and to inspire people I believe. I should be appreciative that I can offer just words to people and make their days a little brighter. So no more mentioning the word "crutch", it is not in my vocabulary anymore...blanked out...M.I.B. style. I even made something you can print out and use...LOL.



This is for the gamers that visit here; you will notice a change on my Gamercard, it is suppose to be a little avatar of me as a "vampire" but with the new dashboard update yesterday on Xbox Live they are still working the bugs out. It feels like they stole the idea, and did, from Nintendo's Mii's. So I feel no remorse at being a Pirate with their stuff because they did the same thing =P

Proud to be a Crutch

I want to apologize right off this morning and come to you with an early, out of the blue post just to set things straight. I laid down for I guess what feels like 2 hours, thought a little, and was upset that 1.0 Brian came back out in just a moment of weakness. I mentioned that I did not want to be a "crutch" anymore but 2.0 Brian thinks "why not"? Why can’t I be a crutch for someone, is it really that bad? Having someone to count on you to lift them out of a bad spot? So I say, "Yes", I am proud to be a crutch and sorry 1.0 was even able to come out. I just need a power nap to get my head on straight it seems. I have hopes and dreams just like anyone else and with everything the last few days looking like it was ONCE AGAIN going south 1.0 kicked in. I am just happy to be un-happy. Now on to finding a way to kill of 1.0 Brian forever…

There Was An Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe

Humpty Dumpty knocked on the outside of the massive shoe.

No answer.

He knocked again. Louder.

“Who is it?” she cried from deep within.

“It’s the Humpster, baby.”

“Come on in. The door isn't locked.”

“You busy?” he calls into the shoe as he opens the door.

“No,” she replies. “I’ll be there in a second.”

“Girl...,” jokes Humpty. “You ain’t havin another baby, are you?”

There’s an awkward silence.

“Aw, congratulations!” says Humpty. He grabs some towels, and heads over to the kitchen to boil water.

He fires the burner and fills the pot with water muttering to himself, "Well, you know what they say about chicks with big feet."

“What?”

But Humpty, struggling for his asthma breather, didn’t hear her. The sight of the boiling pot of water had triggered a panic attack; all he could hear was the voice of his mother saying ”That’s what happened to your father. One minute he was driving a forklift at a macaroni factory, and the next,” she pauses, ”poached.”

“Hey are you alright?” asks the old woman. Now dressed in a sweatsuit, she alertly helps Humpty fumble his breather to his mouth. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

”Poached,” his mother repeated in his head.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes, tears streaming. “Every time I see boiling water, I just want to grab a Bushmaster AR-15 and kill everyone I can find.”

“Well I do loves a man with an eye for safety,” she whispers. “I like Armalites ... don’t get me wrong. But they just don’t have the Viper range safety device that Bushmans do." She throws his arm over her shoulder. "Humpty, have you met my kids?”

Humpty leans away from the kitchen counter, testing his weak and wobbly legs. “Probably not all of them ma’am.”

With her arms still around him, she helped him stand. Perhaps it was the proximity or the moment of utter vulnerability –maybe it was merely the smell of her perfume- but Humpty decided if ever there was a moment to tell her how he feels, this is it.



“Baby,” he says, staggering to look into her eyes. “We’ve known each other for a long time. How come we never, eh, 'hooked up'?”

“Oh, Humpty,” she blushes. “I’m very flattered, but you’re an egg. What would my friends say if I started dating an egg?”

Humpty, pride mortally wounded, looked away to hide the tears.

“I mean maybe if you were at least an embryo or something,” she continues. “But an egg? Ewe!”

Despite his aching heart, Humpty fought to reply. “You know,” he sobbed. “We have our differences. But I have yearned for you for years now. I know your favorite band, favorite color, favorite flower … I love you.”

The woman, shocked, stared in disbelief.

“And I don’t care that I’m an egg and you’re an old woman that lives in a shoe,” Humpty continued grabbing her shoulders. “Can’t you see that your discrimination is tearing us apart!?”

The woman’s pupils narrow.

“Get your filthy egg-hands off of me!” she screams.

“But baby-“

She dives for her cellphone, “How dare you!?”

“I was only trying to-“

“Hello?” she barks into the phone. “Is this all the King’s men?”

“There’s no need to-!“

“Yes,” she says. “A filthy egg IS attacking me. How did you know?”

Humpty lunges for her phone, and wrests it away from her. “those people will be trying to kill me now!”

Suddenly, Humpty realizes he has a .45 caliber pistol pointed into his temple.

The woman growls. “You make a sound before the cops get here, and I’ll blow your yolk all over the leather.”

“Jezebel!” cries Humpty, lashing out.

"You ... dirty ... egg!" she chokes, and falls limp in his arms.

“Oh my god,” cries Humpty as police sirens wail in the distance. “She’s dead!”

And even as the galloping sound of all the king’s horses become deafening, he screams into the sky:

"Oh sweet Jesus! what have I done!?!”



7:40PM - This was a draft but today has been another peculiar day. I swear it is really starting to feel like I am just a crutch for people these days. That is fine with me but “I” have to be more than that to SOMEONE out there? I know these words are not allot, just some scattered HTML code that come together to paint a picture of my heart somehow, images burnt into your retinas and trickle down to your heart somehow is all I can ask for. Hoping one heart will have the same day I have that will cause them to join in with me in this journey. I am just a dreamer and ol’ softy I guess…

Thinking about yahh...

5:34PM – I just got home from therapy/gym and today has been a peculiar day to say the least. I have thought a lot about life in general. I guess seeing the snow today takes me back to a time where having hot chocolate and watching "Rudolph" instilled in me a feeling that everything was right with the world.

I was thinking there is just not enough years to do everything we want in this life. When you get to MY age, you start thinking a lot about stuff like this. I want to have a family, finish school with my Graphic Design degree AND still go back to school for Physical Therapy because I think that is my NEW calling. Learn how to paint a car, scuba dive, sky dive, see the Pyramids, run a marathon, see my first born child enter the world, prepare him OR her for this world that we live in and THEN 2 years later teach them to count to 10. All of these are dreams that CAN become reality but I will be 80 years old then I am afraid. I guess nothing is set in stone and we can make our own destiny or attempt to mold it into what we want somehow. Nothing is ever as easy as you want (would you really want it if it was easy) and you may have to get beat down so bad that you don’t think you will ever get up again but where it really counts is the spark in you that says “Yes I can” I suppose. I like to think I have that spark and just waiting to unleash my diabolical scheme to take over the World, MuuuuuWaaaaa Haa Haaaaa Haaaaa, LOL.

With the year coming to a close I still have dreams and have started seeing that I may not get to accomplish them all but I CAN be happy while pursuing the ones that I AM capable of obtaining =)

Here you can see a silhouette of my baby in the snow ... I know what Santa will be bringing me this year, a new camera!

How do I become a Pirate? Arggggghhhh

I have been asked many times in the last few months "Brian, where do you download all your s#!+ at" and I said, "Self, this would make a good post". So here goes. I will break this down in 2 sections, free but slow and fast and pay for it.

Free but Slow

You first need to download u Torrent. This is like Limewire only it seems you can find more stuff. Once you downloaded u Torrent you can go to http://www.mininova.org/ and search for anything you want. I have been a fan of True Blood and Little Britain USA (don't have HBO) so I download each episode hours after they are aired. It takes around 2 to 3 hours with this service. What you want to look for is the one with the MOST seeds. These are just other computers that have the file already and you can get faster downloads if there are enough. Similar to the amount of results of a song or something found on Limewire. Once you find what you want click it and you will be taken to a page where you will see "Download this torrent". Click that and there will be a box show up open with or save file. uTorrent should be selected in the open (if not just browse for it in the drop down window) so just click open and then uTorrent will open asking you do you want to add this torrent. Just click OK and you will see it added to your downloading section, now here you will have to right click on it at select "Start". You could also go into options/preferences/downloads and uncheck the box that says, "Don't start the download automatically". After this is finished, the download will start. There should be an ETA of how long it will take, more than likely 3 to 4 hours on a file that is 550MB. All depends on the seeds and Internet connection. I usually start 1 or 2 and just leave my computer on overnight and they will be finished by in the morning. You will then have the file in the folder that they are saved to. By default, they will go to "C:\Users\your name\Documents\u TORRENT Downloads" and you will have a show ready to watch! The nice thing about this is you can get almost anything that you want, music, movies, games, software but the larger the files the longer it takes though.

Fast and pay for it

Now this one may be confusing but I will try my best with it. Once you get it figured out, it will be the only way to go. First, you need to sign up for Usenetserver. I chose the $17.95 one because I have fast enough Internet service to take advantage of it but the $14.95 service will do the same. Now this is per month but you have to think of the Cd's and DVDs you would buy in a month. One DVD is the cost of the Hi-Speed Plus package. So it pays for its self with one download. After you sign up for it, you will need to download and pay for Newsbin Pro. It is just worth the one time price of $35 dollars because of the lifetime unlimited upgrades. You can try the trial to see how you like it, there are plenty other newsreaders out there but I like this one. First open up newsbin pro and go to the server's tab. Here you will have to fill in some information. First, make sure the "Enable server" is checked then you have to enter a server name. I have 3 only because I have the $17.95 a month option. All you need is "news.usenetserver.com" maximum connection at 10, requires login checked and fill out your username and password you signed up to usenetserver with. The ports I will not even touch because it may be over your head as it is anyways. So just let it be at the default 119. Now once you have this you can get started. With usenetserver, you get access to their search engine called Globalsearch. Here you can type ANYTHING you are looking for and it should pull something up. I wanted a Jim Gaffigan CD so I typed in his name and it brought back these. Now here is where you could get lost. What do I need to choose you say? Well it is easy once you know what to look for. First thing I always do is click on the "Date" to sort everything from newest to oldest. I then seen the CD I wanted so I made it a little more specific by typing in "Jim Gaffigan doing my time" and it brought back all the results with those words. Luckily, there was just one poster with these but you can even get specific and chose the poster you want to download from if there is more than one. You would just click on their name to narrow it down even more. You would then click the white box beside subject to select all of the files or click each one separate depending on what you need. You then will see a screen giving you an option to download an NZB file. Click on download NZB and the file should then go to your desktop. Click this and it will take it will go into Newsbin pro. If everything is set up right, it should start downloading. If not, the status tab should report the error over and over and you may have to look at the FAQ page to see what the error means and how to fix it. Now this download of 76.7MB was finished so fast that I did not have time to get a screen shot of it. What you need to look for in the "Scratch" tab is that there are nothing left over that needs to be downloaded. If so then you would just highlight them, right click and "Add to download list". You should then have all the files needed in your "C:\Users\your name\Documents\Newsbin Download\nzb_briandwrightr6\Doing My Time" folder.

Now with these files you sometimes get files called "Par2", you can distinguish the files from the different icon. These are just recovery files for missing files that were not there to complete the download. You will need the free program Quickpar that you can get here. Just chose the English or whatever language you speak. I downloaded "Guitar Hero World Tour" and will show you the step by step with it on what to do with files like this. Here you can see the files; you can distinguish the par files because of the different icon. Once you click on the par file it will start this, just make sure you check "auto repair". If you have enough files and all the par2's you will get this. Now if you don't get this screen it will show what files you are missing and some posters will add additional pars later on if enough people are having trouble with them. I have only gotten a few to not work though. Once this is complete you can begin to extract the files in the RAR folders to your desktop. If you have not got a RAR reader I would suggest "WinRAR", it is free and is just as good as Win ZIP. Just click on the WinRAR folder and there will be a few files in it, just extract them to your desktop. You will get something similar to this then. There will be 2 files most the time, a CloneCD one and an ISO that can be burnt with ImgBurn. Another free program that works really well, download here. Now once that is started you can then burn whatever it is you downloaded to a disc. For this game it is rather large (7.8GIGS) so I will have to use a DVD+R DL. This will take around 40 minutes for it to be finished but after that you will have a finished product that looks like this.

I apologize if this was confusing to anyone; I tried to make it as clear as possible. There will be questions that will arise I am sure and I will be here to answer them or you can just Google what the problem is and more than likely there will be a solution. If not just shoot me an email (brianwrightr6@gmail.com) or a phone call and I will help all I can. So what are you waiting on my Scurvy Dogs, get out there and loot and pillage your way to all thee finest booty there be on the Internet.

8:58PM – If you made it this far and your head is not spinning then you ARE a real trooper. I worked on this one for a while and hope this helps everyone that has asked me in the last few months to get started. I took the weekend off from posting because everyone else takes the weekend off, well the ones that are lucky that is. I find myself wondering just how much longer I will be as I am. It is getting close to 2 years now since my accident and I still can’t do EVERYTHING I want to do. I was told a few times that it may take up to 5 years to get back to a somewhat normal life but I want to be able to do anything I want like before NOW though. I guess this process is showing me something I need, patience and understanding.

The GEEK in the pink...Part 3

So I guess they killed off Captain America. Like, um, a year ago.

I'm a little late on this, because I haven't read comics in years, and I never really did follow Captain America. I like the idea of Captain America, but he always seemed like a dull character to me. First, there's his secret identity: Steve Rogers. I mean, come on. Steve Rogers? What, was the name Jim Blandguy taken?

Captain America's origin isn't exactly inspiring either: As a young man, Steve volunteers to serve in the military during World War II, but is turned down because he is too weak and sickly. He is offered the opportunity to become a subject in a "super soldier" project. A prior subject has already been driven insane by the "super soldier" serum, but Steve lucks out: The serum greatly enhances his strength and reflexes, transforming him into a "nearly perfect human being." He is given the name Captain America, and sent off to fight the Nazis.



So, to recap, our plan for defeating the Nazis was to conduct horrifically dangerous experiments on civilians in an attempt to transform them from pathetic weaklings into perfect specimens of flag-waving Aryan humanity. Hard to see how a plan like that could fail.

The character isn't helped by the cutesy patriotic touches either, like how Steve Rogers was born on the Fourth of July and he had a girlfriend named -- no joke -- Betsy Ross. Now I can go along with the kind of inexplicable comic book synchronicity where the guy who becomes Dr. Octopus just happens to have been named Octavius, but at some point these gimmicks start to sound like the punchline of a bad joke.

Then there are his "powers," which, well, he doesn't have any. Wikipedia says that "Captain America's strength, endurance, agility, speed, reflexes, and durability are at the highest limits of natural human potential," which is a tactful way of saying that he's as fast and strong as you can be without being, you know, superhuman. So basically he's Batman, except that instead of a utility belt filled with all kind of useful gadgets and a dark, scary costume that helps him blend into the night, he has red pirate boots and a big round shield that looks a lot like an archery target.

I'm not going to begrudge a superhero the use of medieval weaponry if that's the way he wants to go, but shouldn't he at least have a 2x4 with a nail in it or something to go with that shield? What was the discussion like that led to sending Steve to fight the Nazis using only his right fist and a big round shield? What did they expect him to do, other than draw fire?

At some point it occurred to Captain America that when you're fighting soldiers with machine guns, it would be really handy to have some sort of projectile weapon. So he took to throwing the shield, like a big vibranium frisbee that would carom off Nazi skulls with uncanny precision, taking out as many as four Nazis with a single toss. The trick, you see, is to get the Nazis to spread themselves out evenly like pinball bumpers, and then hit the first one at just the right angle. I always thought Captain America should have some sort of battle cry to go with the shield throwing, like "Oh, s#!+, I've thrown my shield!"